I’m back, ma’am!
The “indoor and outdoor bilingual journey” in me
Yes, I do feel scared sometimes. Understanding a second language is tough. It makes me, argh… Damn! It gets me out of my comfort zone. Do you know what I mean?
When I can’t understand someone or make myself understood to them, I instantly think “Am I like one of those people who can’t learn another language? Is my brain just not good enough perhaps?”. I freeze myself indoors. It feels so lonely.
Will I never fall in love with someone in English* or make new friends? Is it all there is to it? Am I like the faulty one? I’ve heard it before, but is it really true that some people can’t learn a second language?! Could I be one of them?
So, yes! I’m sorry. I do cave in sometimes.
I do convince myself I’m too busy every now and then. I stop any series I was watching on Netflix. I put down any books I was reading, and I most definitely shut all doors. I won’t talk to anyone in English. No freaking way! I lock myself indoors for a few days if I feel like I need it. We all have to sometimes, you know — clean the cupboards and get those cobwebs out. But, is is unlike me to give up. And it is definitely unlike me not-wanting to connect with other people.
So, hell, yeah!
I’m back, ma’am!
I’m logging back on Netflix, with no subtitles this time — and you can bet your bottom dollar I won’t move to the next sentence on that book just because “it’s taking long to read”. Who said it was meant to be easy?
It seems to me that “easy” has never been an option. I see babies learning Portuguese all the time and it takes them freaking years! But, we got there once, didn’t we? So, up to the moment until I can feel the human being behind those sounds in the air or letters on the page, I’M NOT GIVING UP! I’m gonna be there, again and again, wholeheartedly! Because, ma’am, ooooh ma’am, I’m not afraid of “misunderstandings”, you see? No, I’m not. That is just part of being human, of having the brain we do. There’s no problem in that. I’m only truly afraid of “misconnections”, you see? I’m only scared of being unable to feel who’s talking to me. The language itself is not a problem. It doesn’t really matter if we’re connecting over my mother language or over any other way human beings can find to see each other. I’m alive regardless of the language I speak, and I need to connect to other people. I need it! We all do, one way or another.
So, yeah… becoming bilingual can feel pretty scary, but we deserve the time it takes to connect, don’t we?… Don’t we?! So I’m walking away from subtitles and translations. I’m letting go of any curtains, any filters. My doors are wide open to the world outside again. It’s time to meet new people and express myself through the sounds of other cultures. I’ll find myself in them. I’ll allow myself to be unashamed of being seen. You’ll find me at cafés, at parks or lounging with other people, connecting in English, and perhaps even toasting the journey of becoming bilingual with a nice glass of wine, why not?!
Excuse my grammar, ma’am. If we disconnect, will you help me make myself understood again?
Drix Silva
Cognitive Linguist | English Therapist
*This article was written in Brazil. For most Brazilians, Portuguese is their first language and English is their second.
